Aries: Get all the boring stuff out of the way first so you can goof off at 100% efficiency. Life is too short not to goof off as hard as possible.
Taurus: Your input is valued and sought after by people who are really starting to get on your goddamn nerves. Importance is not always flattering.
Gemini: You will soon come into possession of a fossilized human skull with pointed silver teeth. Now, this skull is cursed as shit so pawn it off at your earliest convenience. The curse wont be your problem anymore and youll have a cool 450$ to spend on a less cursed skull.
Cancer: Do you sense a budding romance cancer? Well you’re mistaken, that smell is honey and that person you have a crush on is a corpse animated by thousands of enraged bees.
Leo: Get up out of bed, open your window, take a deep breath, contemplate, take another deep breath, contemplate some more, go back to bed. You deserve to rest.
Virgo: Like it or not you are meaningless without other people. All the power and talent in the world wont make drop of difference if there is nobody to share it with.
Libra: Pressure can be an excellent motivator in the right amount. Also, they meant social pressure, doing paperwork in a deep-sea diving bell will not improve the quality of your work.
Scorpio: Make some money on the side by following rich people around and clapping whenever they buy something.
Sagittarius: Daily life getting tough? Revert back to a pupae!
Ophiuchus: If you are going to eat unsauced spaghetti at some ungodly hour, it is important you do it with conviction, with pride. That is the difference between a life falling apart and soldiering the fuck on.
Capricorn: All the advice in the world is meaningless if you dont actually make anything worth advising. Luckily, its really easy to make bullshit that needs improvement.
Aquarius: Those assassins from the meat of the month club have finally found your new address and are planting the explosives as you read this.
Pisces: Every time the universe ticks forwards a step you are a completely different person. Practice stretching so your joints dont hurt.
Skip to content
bongdanceking 